


Divine Rush

by Wildonce



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Imprinting (Twilight), F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:22:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22176994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildonce/pseuds/Wildonce
Summary: “Dad,” she whimpers, a plea in that one word. Help me, she’s begging. Make me understand.Harry Clearwater notices changes in his daughter and worries on what life would be like for the first female wolf of the tribe. He takes her to the only person he can think might be able to help her.He lets her go to keep her safe but a protector of the tribe can only stay away for so long.
Relationships: Jacob Black/Leah Clearwater
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	1. Before

She slams the door and a grumble comes from the kitchen. It’s not words, nothing that can be made out but it’s enough. Fire, already simmering, ignites into an inferno that takes her over. Leah likes it then, loves it even, this new anger, this new need to scream and shout and claw and bite. She wants to devour. 

Something has been pulsing inside her all day and that grumble is the spark that’s going to ignite it.  Her feet take her to the kitchen and her hands slam into the doorframe, one on either side as she pushes her chest forward into the other room. Pushes her anger out too. She wants him to feel it. 

“Leah,” he sighs, back still too her, “how many times? Don’t slam the door. It’s not a lot to ask, alright?”

She laughs. It’s so fucking funny that he went with that. “Not too much to ask? Fucksake,” she snarls, still pushing her chest out and into the room. 

She wants to seem huge, to seem like the biggest threat he’s ever seen. She wants him to finally listen, finally take her seriously. Wants  _ everyone  _ to just  _ listen, god please someone listen.  _

He starts to turn and Leah gets a look at his face but she can’t stop, not now that she’s started. It registers somewhere that this man is her dad and that her dad is afraid, that he looks shocked and scared but it’s distant. Not fully there. It’s nothing compared to the anger.

“Everything is too much for me to ask! You don’t listen, you won’t help me, no one listens. He’s gone! Sam’s come back and he’s still gone and,” she pushes off now, moves into the room and right up against her fathers’ chest, “you won’t listen. You won’t believe that this,” she pants, “this thing that’s come back isn’t Sam. It isn’t.”

He backs up then, eyes wide and with a look of such fucking horror on his face that it does stop her, it does get past the rage. Leah jerks back as he takes another step away from her, pulls her spine into line and looks down, away, as if it can take back what she’s said. 

Her hands are shaking. She didn’t realise. Hadn’t felt it. 

“Don’t go out,” she hears, eyes still on her hands and her mind quiet. 

She’s tired. Really tired. 

The door slams before she can make herself move, the sound loud in the quiet house. 

* * *

“Leah.”  It’s her dad, the one she usually wants at times like this. She wants to cry, wants someone to hold her and tell her it’s okay,  _ shh, baby, I’ll make it go away.  _ It hurts, everything hurts. She doesn’t want to open her eyes and feel the pain of the light hit her again, burn it’s way into her skull like it’s carving a place for itself.  “You need to wake up, baby.”

He’s too loud, too loud, too loud and Leah moans, shuffles until she has hands against her ears. Push, push, pushing the pain away.

“No, Leah, stop it. Stop it,” she hears and hands touch her arms, pulling them away from her ears. She doesn’t want them to move but everything is so hard. She doesn’t have it in her to put up any fight at all. “Come on, let me get you up,” he tells her and the hands pull until she is up right and falling forward to hit against his chest. Her face falls into his neck and she moans, the smell of his skin too much, too much, stop please, stop no no nonononono. “It’s okay, Leah baby, we’ll get it to stop. Bring it in here, Sue. Quick and quiet, that’s it, Leah. That’s it.” 

The hands holding her stay and others come. Her mum. Help, please, help, it hurts, everything hurts. 

A pinch in her arm. Hands on her back. The whisper of hair against her cheek. Something cool against the back of her neck.  “Shh, that’s it. That’s it.”

* * *

Everything is hazy, like a blanket lies between her and everything she hears and sees. It’s there, she is there, but not really. She’s there but not when her mum drags a wet cloth over her burning skin, there when she dresses her in clothes that pinch and itch and don’t seem like hers. She’s there but not when they both move her, push and pull her in the right direction to get her down the stairs and into the truck. She’s there but not now, as the trees and the wind blow past them. Her and her dad in the quiet of the truck. Nothing but the wet thump of her heart, the unsteady beat of his and the howl of the wind as it breaks over the old chevy. 

She works her mouth, once, twice, swallowing and dragging some moisture up and to the front so she can make it all work the way she wants it too. Swallows again and gasps, loud and quick at the sound of it and the way she hurts at the movement of her throat. It burns and aches. “Where are we going?” she manages, right on the tail of the gasp. She doesn’t know how long she’ll be here for, how long it will be before either the pain or the haze will come back. “What’s wrong with me?”

Despite the fact that she is looking out the window with eyes that are blurred and see nothing more than the colours - sunshine yellows and forest greens - Leah  _ knows _ , when her dad turns and looks at her. She can feel his eyes on her face. She can feel it.

“To someone who can explain what’s happening to you,” he tells her, eyes moving back to the road. 

His voice hurts her. She doesn’t ask anything else. 

* * *

Voices pull her back, wake her up, take the blanket away from her mind. For however long she can’t make out words, nothing distinct until her mind works it’s way up and out of the burning. 

“It could already be too late.” She doesn’t know that voice, can’t think of ever hearing it but she doesn’t like it. Her back curls and her fists clench hearing it. 

“I have to try.” She knows that voice. Her dad. He’s not inside the truck anymore. He’s outside, near the other man, the voice that grates against her bones. “I don’t want this for her,” he snaps in a tone that Leah has come to know a lot these past few months. He’s frustrated. Angry. 

“I understand. She would be in a great deal of danger. Many would seek her out, to try and understand, to possess -”

“You’ll tell no one, understood?” 

Adrenaline or fuck, something like acid surges through her body and Leah cries out in pain. It’s like nothing, she’s nothing but this burn and this anger.

_ Get back, get away, wrong wrong wrong,  _ “No!” she screams, falling forward with the force of it. Her hands hit her knees and she’s shaking again, or the world is shaking and she’s burning and burning and pain. She doesn’t even know what she means, what the no is for. Maybe everything. No to everything. No to the man with a voice that grates and to the pain that’s taking her away. 

“I should leave,” that voice states and it scrapes against her like nails on a chalkboard. “I am sorry. Please, remember what I’ve said. We will help in any way we can. Please,” it pauses, “call once it is done.”

“Just….just hold on. Wait,” her dad asks, sounding close to tears. She’s never seen him cry before but she can hear it, hear the choke, the wetness. 

There is nothing but the sound of her own panting breath for a while after that. Nothing but her own body trying to ease and soothe itself, trying to move back to the numbness of before. Leah is barely there again until the door opens and cool air hits her skin. A smell comes with it. Sickly sweet pepper and chemicals. A new burn in her nose that she wants to sneeze away, wants to chase away, wants to chew and bite and kill. 

“Dad,” she whimpers, a plea in that one word. Help me, she’s begging. Make me understand. 

“It’s okay, baby, it’s all gonna be okay,” he soothes as he moves, blocks out more of the sunlight and leans into the car beside her. Hands - cold hands that feel rough and hurt - pull on her and Leah follows them because they belong to him. “That’s it. Come on now,” he tells her, a hand turning her face until she can feel the sunlight burning through her closed eyelids. “Open your eyes, Leah. I’m here. Just open your eyes.”

And she does. 

  
  



	2. The Hole

It’s easy with Jared. Sam is almost as new to it all as he is and the explanations and advice he’s dolling out are as much for him as the new wolf. They learn together. They have so much to learn and it’s easier now, with someone to learn it all with. What it means to be Protectors, what it means to have someone else in your head, what it means to be brothers. Life hasn’t been kind to either of them but they find solace in each other, each taking what they need from the other. They have this new companionship to focus on - that and the secret, always keeping the secret - so Sam isn’t sure, not really, that Jared had even registered that hole that was always there in the middle of their joint minds. 

Paul is different. He’s fire and rage, always dancing along the knife edge of control. He has the two of them, both as settled as Sam thinks anyone could be after being changed as they have, to help him understand. They dole out explanations, advice, tips and sympathy. Understanding. That helps more than it doesn’t but it starts a bitterness in their new brother, A resentment that they know what he doesn’t, a thought that they aren’t telling him everything he needs to know. 

Even from the beginning, from the very moment Paul and his  _ rageheatlookseethinkfind _ enter into his mind, Sam knows this will not be the same. 

Jared sees the anger and thinks  _ no, this won’t be good, won’t help, secret, trouble  _ even as a steady beat of _ wolf brother, another brother, family, packpackpack  _ starts deeper. The beat is the same for Sam. He feels it in his bones, in his blood but above, in whatever bits are left that are just himself, there is an understanding of how Paul is different to himself and Jared, and how that’s okay, that’s right. They should be different. He’s tough, like Sam, has had a lonely life, like Jared, but he’s smarter than them both. Tactical, insightful, a deep thinker. He won’t just accept things, he has to know the why and the how of it. Paul can’t accept anything easy. Jared’s first question after he settled had been  _ together? Us? _ Pauls’ is  _ why did this happen? Why now? Why me? Why you? WHY?  _

He finds the empty space and almost immediately he draws attention to it. He’s still raw and scrambling along the forest floor looking for an understanding that Sam knows he won’t find there. A week into this new life and still desperate to understand. His sharp mind latches on -  _ missing, someone missing, not Sam, not Jared, pack pack pack, missing -  _ and sticks, a moment of calm in the raging storm.

_ Leave it,  _ Sam tells him, over and over in the days and weeks that follow. He doesn’t say anything else and refuses to listen, to even acknowledge that he hears anything about it. It makes the anger that their new brother has worse, directs it in and towards Sam rather than out and towards everything else. He won’t risk this though, not this.

Embry comes next and he’s a breath of cold air pushing through their bond. He makes Sam think of nature, of towering trees that he’d never been able to reach the top of or a wind that blows through, there and gone. Like the rush of air that meets the jump off the cliff. He’s shock and confusion and a cool distance that they all want him to stop holding between them. By then both Sam and Jared have seen this happen, seen and felt the stretch and pull and welcome of a new brother. Both are calm, no more rambling explanations, no more confusion from them, nothing but quiet understanding and a factual run down of this new reality they all find themselves in. 

Well, there is some rambling and more than a little confusion when hot on the heels of Embrys’ phase they find out about imprinting. Kim joins them then, separate and not  _ brother  _ but still  _ pack.  _ She smells so much like Jared no one could confuse her as anything but even without the know. It makes things worse with Embry, Sam can see ( _ stay back, hold off, come on Embry you can do this you can you can, will only hurt in the end)  _ how he takes advantage of the distraction and chaos to build up walls between them. Listening to him sometimes is like trying to swim against the current. 

It’s after the imprint has settled that Paul, intentionally or not Sam isn’t ever sure, holds it all up for him to see. He thinks on it so often that it could be just the way his mind runs, the path it takes. They are all trying to bring Embry in, to make him feel like a part of what they are, like  _ brother.  _ He in turn is trying to think of himself as anything but. The word scrapes against him but they can’t stop it. It’s an instinct. It’s what they are.

Paul thinks loud when they run, thinks out and at them rather than just for himself.  _ Look at this, brother new brother, see, something missing, still missing, who? who? not you didn’t feel you before, not someone new, someone missing, pack missing. Who?  _ It makes Embry stop, his mind catching like Paul had done before him, seeing the hole for himself but he goes further. He reaches into it, into the empty space that Paul and Jared have always avoided, feeling it, tasting it. 

_ Sister?  _ Embry thinks, his mind full of how it feels, how it seems to him. Lavender in his nose, a laugh that sounds mean but isn’t meant to hurt him. Grey and white washing over everything. 

_ Leave it. Leave it. Leave it. Leave it alone, don’t touch, don’t think, don’t hurt.  _

He isn’t quick enough to stop Paul - never really is if Sam is being honest with himself. He’s smart, no slouch at all but Paul is quicker than the rest of them by miles. 

_ Brother. Always brother,  _ the smell of lavender but  _ is it his nose or Embry?,  _ a different laugh, the same but not, no mean in it, a bubble of delight burning in him too and  _ yes, me, Paul me.  _ Dark hair and a smile that could cut - __

_ Don’t hurt, STOP, don’t think, don’t look.  _

They do stop then. The order taking hold of them all. He can’t stop them thinking -  _ won’t would never no, think, be free, together but free, still us, still Sam and Jared and Paul and Embry and yes, packtogether - _ but they don’t touch it anymore and Sam breathes, calm and quiet with his worry hidden in a way only the Alpha can hide. He can’t quite ignore it the way he did before, act like it doesn’t exist with hands over his metaphorical eyes and ears, but his order and genuine panic are enough to dissuade Paul for at least a while. 

And then Jacob. 

It would have always come down to Jacob in the end, Sam tells himself. Soothes himself after. The Alpha can keep secrets. The Alpha can keep his brothers from seeing what it isn’t safe for them to see, or at least that’s how Sam has worked it over in his own mind. He can’t keep the little things to himself, can’t hide just how much he hates the taste of rabbit on his wolf tongue or how much he needs to get home and take a shit, but he can hide the big things. He can hide this suspicion that burns a hole of its own inside him.

Sam wasn’t ever really meant to be the Alpha. He’s felt it in himself since the beginning, since Jared, but there wasn’t anyone else then.  _ Wait, wait for him, young brother Alpha, hold this for him, keep us safe and teach and protect.  _ When Jacob phases it’s clear, even without the prior knowledge they all have of bloodlines that he is different than the rest. He’s quicker on the phase, quicker to accept, quicker to understand what it means. He’s a protector in a way that the rest of them have to fight to feel. It’s easy, a settling rather than an earthquake for Jacob. Like a realisation of what he is meant to be. He’s faster than them all from the beginning. Jared and Embry had lost him when he first shifted, trailing him for miles and miles as his scent grew more and more distant ahead of them. Bigger than them, too. Bigger than Jared and Embry from the beginning, bigger than Paul after a few days. Bigger than Sam after a week.

That anger that they all have to feel, that Sam and Paul both think is a symptom of what they are now, it’s not the same for him. In Paul it’s like acid burning in his stomach all day, all night, churning with every breath he takes. The rest feel it like that, too, less intense and sometimes, sometimes they can make it settle to nothing but an almost pleasant heat, but it’s there. Always there, ready to boil and spill out until their skin can’t hold then. For Jacob it’s not acid. Never acid, not after he changes the first time and listens to them explain. They all see - everytime Sam sees it, over and over,  _ no more not any more this has to be enough pleaseplease, not any more life gone gone this now everything-  _ how it was in the run up to his turning and it’s the same. The aches. The sweats that built and built until wearing anything at all feels like clogging up pores. And yes, just like them all that building acid in his gut that he couldn’t control or understand, building and building until his skin couldn’t hold it all, couldn’t hold  _ him  _ together. After that it’s like the heat that Sam manages sometimes, that Embry manages about half the time. Jacob gets that all the time. 

He is quicker to understand  _ pack,  _ too. Or maybe it would be more fair to say that the rest of them, Sam maybe the most, don’t understand it the way he does. Hours in Jacob thinks  _ brotherPaul, brotherSam,  _ like it’s as natural to him as breathing. He thinks  _ we we we us together pack  _ almost in a single thought whenever his mind thinks of any of them. Whenever he is phased Jacob thinks in that space in the inbetween. He keeps nothing back from them, nothing that’s important anyway. He puts stuff to the back, like they all do, the only version of privacy they can get, but it isn’t anything other than basic, human things.

Maybe that openness is why he finds it so soon. It’s like Paul all over again, that catch, a moment where something is found that hasn’t been seen before, something new in a place where you thought everything was already known. Like Embry, Jacob sees and wonders and dives right on in. 

They are all wolf. Together like they don’t often manage anymore, showing their new brother the routes he should run when he patrols, the best places to stop and smell that smell that Sam knows is only found here at La Push. It doesn’t take much of any of their focus, so they all wander, all think of their own things. Let themselves be themselves. 

This, this is what Sam has managed to love out of this new life.  _ Sam and Jared and Paul and Embry and Jacob all separate but togetherpack.  _

_Pack,_ Jacob agrees loud and bright and open with them all like they are learning he is. _Me and four brothers, (Go away, Jake, this is for me and Becks, just us two) four and me._ A nudge against his mind, that feeling that is only Jacob brushing against where Sam joins the rest. _There Sam,_ a flash of a black wolf with eyes that burn and a man staring over the school parking lot with the same eyes. _There Jared,_ a quiet rumble behind his shoulder, his name being said in a way he doesn’t like but it’s fine, he’s not creepy about it. The feeling of always being welcome, stepping over his own front door. _There Paul,_ the crunch of his fist hitting a nose, blood, red, hot, anger and sadness, doesn’t need to be that way. _Sorry, sorry about that but why you gotta be so angry? Why did you say that about Bella?_ Understanding and a flash of pale hands grasping onto his arm, cold and soft and smelling soooooo good. _Get it but it’s Bella._ _There Embry, brother before brotherpack,_ laughing hot and bright, sunlight on a dirty windscreen, a clap on the shoulder and hands pushing him forward. The rush of air as a door shuts in his face and he jerks back, not welcome, not wanted.

_ Not like that,  _ Embry inserts for Jacob but they all hear it, hear the waver in it too. 

_ It is,  _ Sam tells him, reminds him. Lets himself think on the feel of it to him, the feel of a mind that pulls back all the time, never wants to be close to them, never wants to be open with them and hasn’t from the beginning, not even about the things they all think.  _ No shame in it. All the same. Hungry, angry, horny, angry, missing home, missing myself.  _ A door shutting, a different one than the Black front door Jacob had showed them when he thought of Jared and his openness, the door his mother hides herself away from him behind. A quiet young voice, ( _ Seth god Seth not Seth this is enough)  _ calling out Sam and Stop as he walks away. The pain at the sound of the latch closing on him. Keeping him out. 

And while Sam thinks, while he holds Embry and keeps his attention, Jake keeps going. 

_ Someone else. Kim? _

_ Kim, my Kim, not my Kim _

_ No not Kim, Jared, sorry sorry shouldn’t have thought it, pack but no this is not that, pack like brotherpack, like  _ A push at him and at them all, Sam can tell, all their attention snapping away from the ground in front of them and the door in Sam’s mind. They’re lucky Jake is so calm, so easy with this all. He’s got more effect here than the rest.  _ Look, who?  _

_ Don’t no, _

_ Yes, look, someone missing -  _

_ You see it? Too quick, so quick, took me so long. Better than us all. I’m good, good enough for Kim, yeah, Kimkimkim.  _

_ Think on this not on me.  _ Lavender on the air and a woman ( _ mum)  _ looking at him with disappointment when he asks - _ NO _ .  _ Who? _

_ Pack missingpack seen it from the start, don’t do this Sam no don’t stop it - _

_ Leave it, lea- _

_ -i wanna talk about it, want want now now come on Jake, won- _

_ Said would hurt,  _ his own voice filling all their minds, filling all the available space between them, loud and  _ don’t hurt, don’t hurt, don’t hurt.  _

Another push and they all go together, every single one of them brought along on the tidal wave of Jacob and his mind, his curiosity and sudden, hot hot, burning need to see. ( _ How can he do this? Stronger than us all. Better) (yes yes yes finally answers) (don’t wanna hurt anyone, better not to know? Wanna know but  _ -disappointment and sad hazel eyes -  _ questions hurt) (Sam why aren’t you stopping this?)  _

Sam knows why he doesn’t stop it. He wants to know. He wants the wondering to stop. His ability to keep his suspicions to himself won’t last much longer.

Another push and -

Quiet, where there should be noise 

-a rush, five rushes, each different but the same, all hitting at once. 

Warm hands that hold onto his, tight but never too tight, soft and warm and smooth over his already rough skin. Letting him lead, pick the way for them both. A sigh, an exhale and then the best thing he’s ever felt, hot and tight and hishishis, only his, only ever his.

(The feel of his sisters hair in his fingers and utter, heart stopping fear when she asks  _ please, Jay, all the girls have.  _ The feel of his sisters hair in his fingers and concentration so thick he can’t see anything but hands, smaller but not by much, on his, over the middle, under the side, otherside now, over)

( _ You’re easy, right?  _ in his voice, his sneer and a sharp laugh that he can’t help but go along with, cause yeah, yeah he is a dick and she thinks it’s funny, it can be funny, he didn’t want it anyway, just wants someone to talk to) 

(Lavender in his nose and shit all over his face that itches, enough that he wants to sneeze it away, rub rub rub at it. So annoyed at himself that he listened, stupid stupid butt of every joke but then a white towel is shoved in his face. Cold air and voices that say bastard and he hears useless, throwaway, trash, mistake until the back of a grey shirt moves to stand in front of him and a mean laugh bubbles out at the haze of voices)

(Sitting alone, dad inside alone, no one there now but them just them and then footsteps on wood and the smell of barbecue floating up. Cold sand on his back and in his hair, a shadow of hot breath on his face and a stinging cheek as a hand reaches down to the boy slumped in the sand across from him.  _ Fucking bully,  _ said on a sneer.)

_ Leah,  _ Sam breathes before he can stop it.  _ It is her I knew I knew it, it’s her. No no noooo _

_ I knew it I knew someone something was missing  _

_ Leah? No not,  _ (hands over his and a warmth against his back  _ like this, no, no don’t be so rough, Jesus fuck, Jared, it’s hair not -) yes yes, Leah.  _

_ Missing not anymore,  _ a blast of Paul’s smug satisfaction and that feeling he gets when a puzzle is finally solved. 

A soft whine, real, out into the world rather than into this space they share. Jacob, a whine of pain, discomfort, an echo of a human ache through a wolf snout. It draws Sams’ attention, something, anything to get a focus on, and Jacob is not there, not where he should be, not with them. 

_ Jake?  _ It’s like with Embry but different, worse. A wall instead of a door. The Grand Canyon suddenly between him and them.

_ Jake?  _

_ Jacob? _

_ Man? _

Another wolf whine, higher in pitch but somehow more distant even though none of them are moving anymore. None of them are doing anything - a leech could come right on in and Sam wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t see, cannot see beyond this, beyond  _ finally  _ and  _ no not her not her please  _ and  _ Jake gone distant, there but not.  _

_ It hurts,  _ Jacob pants out in response. The panting registers with Sam before the words. They don’t pant, not unless they’ve chased, not unless they’ve just turned and the acid is still burning.  _ It hurts it hurts why does it hurt?  _

_ Jake gone _

_ fuck close _

_ not -  _

_ fuck what is - hurts? _

_ \- Leah? _

_ A - Why -  _

_ Jacob?  _

_ Quiet,  _ Sam orders, his word coming with the power behind it. He needs quiet.  _ Just, quiet, calm quiet let me think let me listen. Jacob, tell me.  _

_ It hurts it hurts I hurt.  _ A steady beat suddenly wild, his heart thumping in his chest, too fast, and something pulling pulling pulling out of him. 

_ Kim.  _ Green eyes and the smell of chalk, the crinkle of a page turning and an earthquake taking-

_ Jared,  _ Sam sighs.  _ Quiet.  _ He can’t order him not to think of the imprint - he’d tried back when it was new and the constant beat of  _ kimkimkimneedtoseekimkimkim  _ was driving them all insane but it didn’t work. Nothing worked. Give Jared space to think and Kim comes in. 

Sam feels that same kind of confusion now as they did then. It had been like tsunami in their shared mind with Jared imprinted on Kim. This feels like that. Like a shift. Something they can’t go back from. He can see Jacob, can see there isn’t anything hurting him but still, he  _ knows  _ something isn’t right and it’s more than just the echo of the pain he is pushing to them. Sam feels something, too.

Another rush, this time towards them instead of away. Like someone phasing in, joining them but not. Jacob but not light and easy. 

_ Wanna see. Need to see.  _ Sitting alone, dad inside alone, no one there now but them just them and then footsteps on wood and the smell of barbecue floating up. Cold sand on his back and in his hair, a shadow of hot breath on his face and a stinging cheek as a hand reaches down to the boy slumped in the sand across from him.  _ Fucking bully,  _ said on a sneer.  _ Leah, Leah, that’s Leah and it hurts, man, fuck, look look look, tell me why this hurts, where is she? Where is she? Where?  _

_ Kimkimkim, like Kim, the tug, no, shut up!  _

A hand coming towards his face, fast and unexpected. He almost takes a step back and then stops, closing his eyes before the sting comes.  _ Fucking bully,  _ said on a sneer, a voice that usually comes in nothing but light and laughter suddenly angry and disappointed.  _ Hurtshurtshurts.  _ A hand coming towards his face-

_ Jacob, calm down. _ It’s said with an order but Sam knows, knows it won’t work. He doesn’t know how or why or what, where is up or down or cold hard earth but he knows, there will be no calm here. Not now. 

_ What’s happening?  _ Sand cold on his back still and shame cold in his belly ( _ why did she hit you?  _ Tobacco and expectations.  _ I deserved it)  _ while he watches her pull Seth ( _ back off, man, i said no, why you gotta try so fucking hard, just back the fuck off)  _ out of the sand and drag him away.  _ Sam, where is she? Is she okay? Why - I don’t understand. (I’m so proud, Jacob. Your mother would be proud. You’re a warrior, a protector, one of the chosen men of our Tribe. A lea-) (- one of the chosen men -) Sam, where is she?  _

_ I don’t know, I don’t know, don't ask again  _ but it’s too late, Sam is already thinking on it and he can’t stop it, can’t use the Alpha to hide it now that it’s out there and all they can all focus on.  _ It, I thought maybe but no like you remember ( - one of the chosen men -) (Sam, it’s Harry, we can help. We know, we understand. You just have to open the door, let us help. Old Quil is here with me, son. Let us in.)  _ The sun in his eyes and Harry Clearwater ( _ I care about you, son, no matter what you are but maybe - No!)  _ standing just outside of the tree line waiting for him. Bare feet and shorts that pinch his hips.  _ Leah’s gone. It isn’t safe for her to be here anymore. Don’t go looking, let her be. Don’t ask any questions.  _ A straight back, someone else turning away from him, always leaving leaving leaving. Already he’s left her alone, doesn’t speak her anymore and makes sure she doesn’t have to see him (His feet, eyes stuck on them as he about turns, get away from her, she shouldn't have to see him), he left her and he deserves this then. No one stays.  _ It wasn’t even a day later and it opened.  _ A hole, the hole, right inside his head. A glance and the feel of warm hands holding his, tight but -  _ (Leah?) (Leah? Is that you?) (alone, alone, finally losing it, lost her and can’t take it. Need to be better better - better man, better wolf, better for her)  _

_ You knew? Fucking hell, fucking Sam, knew all along and been shutting me up keeping me quiet. _

_ I didn’t know. I didn’t - it can’t be Leah. It doesn’t make sense. (-one of the chosen men-) _

_ Leah,  _ Jake moans, the sound of it so different to Paul’s grumbling and Sams own ramble.  _ Leah, it is her, I know it is. Where is she? Not here, not here for weeks and weeks. Leah. She should be here always always here with me - we us pack together meandleahandpack together. It hurts. Stop it, Jake, pull it the fuck together. Why does this matter? Leah, leah, matters meandleahandpack together togethertogether, here! Help me. Where is she? _

_ She left, Jake, fuck what’s wrong with him, Sam? Not Jake this cant break Jake not fucking Jacob come on Sam. Remember, she left, she’s fine.  _ Quil laughing and Jake scowling, Bella Swan the topic of conversation yet again. ( _ She’s not like that. She’s….sweet) _ He’s sick and tired of Bella fucking Swan. A turn of his head, Jake and Quil out of sight now and a truck moving slowly past them all. Mr Clearwater at the wheel and Leah with her head slumped against the window. There’s a smell like burning but the truck keeps going and Embry shakes it off. Let’s his eyes follow it, follow the look of her hair big and a riot gathered on top of her head as he notices her closed eyes. Her hair isn’t ever like that.  _ See? Fine. Sleeping.  _

_ Nononononono,  _ pulling and twisting and a pain coming from someplace Jake can’t identity so they can’t either.  _ Where is she? _

_ That smell  _

_ Where is she? I,  _ Jake stutters, pulls back from them again and then, 

_ That smell, what’s that smell know that smell,  _ Paul thinks as Jake pulls away, his mind moving too, closer to Embry and then they all see it again.

Mr Clearwater at the wheel and Leah with her head slumped against the window. There’s a smell like  _ (pay attention pay attention Sam, Jared)  _ burning but the truck keeps going and -

quiet - 

A moment of such pure silence that Sam can almost imagine he’s asleep. It’s all been a dream. None of this has been real. 

The deep breath before the plunge.

_ The smell the smell fuck no that smell  _

_ Leahleahleah no not leah nonono leahleahleah _

A flash of pale white skin and fire in his nose, paws hitting earth faster than ever before.

_ Burning it burnt even then it burnt was that when - no but why? Who?  _

_ No no no no missing again missing hurt danger huntseekfindkillkillkill  _

_ Leahleahleahleahleahleah _

_ Leach _

  
  
  



	3. The Meet

They go to meet with the Cullens because they have no other choice. They hadn’t been able to catch the red headed leech and the situation in Seattle is too close to be mere coincidence. It’s the girl that calls them and asks for the meet, reaching out to Billy. She doesn’t come to the reservation anymore, not since just after Jacob phased. There isn’t anything here for her now, not even friendship, and it seems she’d recognised that quick enough.

Sam had wanted to take Paul but it’s too much for them both to be phased out for any length of time. They had learnt that the hard way. None of the others have even the chance of stopping Jake if he decides to go somewhere. Embry and Quil don't have it in them to hurt someone they saw as a brother before all this. Jared isn't strong enough. Together with Sam or Paul he can do it. Sam and Paul each individually can at least slow him down, sometimes even manage to subdue him entirely depending on his state of mind. Paul is better at it than Sam. It’s too hard to keep anything straight now and the inability to think around Jacob has cost him more than one broken bone. More than a drop of all of their blood has sunk into the dirt behind the Clearwater house. Sometimes, when they have Jacob as quiet as he can be now, when they all go back to something close to what they were before, Sam wonders how Sue and Harry and Seth don’t smell it. Even their human noses must surely smell the metallic tinge the land behind their lot has now. So much blood and it’s all for nothing.

So, Jared is with him. Paul is with Jake. Embry and Quil patrol. They all need a rest, need some time phased out and on two legs, but it doesn’t look like that’s on the horizon for any of them. He tries, god he tries so hard, to make it as fair as possible. To give each of them time phased out, time in their own heads, time to just be men rather than protectors. It doesn’t work, though. Fairness is such a ridiculous goal it’s laughable. There isn’t enough of them to manage patrols, watching Jacob and living and Jared needs it more than the rest of them. He needs the comfort of seeing Kim with human eyes. Needs it so much more now with Jacob in their heads. So, Sam usually gives up his time. Jared needs to see Kim or Quil needs to go to school or Embry needs to show face with his ma. Paul doesn’t ask for anything anymore. He’s wolf more than any of them beside Jake.

This is the longest Sam has been human and awake in weeks. He’d felt wrong - giant and awkward - when he’d got behind the wheel of his mother's truck. Driving is something so foreign to him now and it shows.He can't stop curling his toes in the work boots he hasn't worn in weeks. They pinch. He stalls twice before they leave La Push.

Jared doesn’t speak as they drive down the road and Sam is ridiculously thankful for it. Even his own thoughts are quiet. His head is calm.

They Cullens are already waiting at the little inlet on the road, a jeep that wouldn’t fit them all parked up behind where they all stand. They look ridiculous in their designer shoes standing in the dirt at the roadside. It’s satisfied the Alpha in him to demand they meet him here, to not bend when they suggested much more remote and then, when that didn’t work out for them, much more civilised locations. They might need to meet but it doesn’t have to all be on the leeches terms.

“Here goes nothing,” Jared quips as Sam slows the truck down and lets the wheel pull him over into the muddy roadside. “Fuck, I can smell ‘em from in here.”

So can Sam. That sickly sweet, bleach and candy burn hitting his nose. “We won’t be long,” he reminds them both, shooting a quick commiserating frown with his brother before he opens the door and pushes out.

All of them are even more sensitive to the smell their kind pollute the air with now. With so many of them it’s like a coating over the very air they breathe. Nothing fresh, nothing growing, nothing alive even though he can see the trees and the dirt and the Swan girl.

It always surprises him - the way he can be so repulsed by their beauty. The effort it takes to look at them and not recoil, to not shake himself out of his human skin, it’s almost too much.

“Sam,” the one who calls himself a doctor calls out, letting his arm fall from the female at his side and taking a step forward. “Thank you for coming.”

It’s easy to nod in return in the face of his obvious sincerity and the lack of any other real choice. It’s easy, too, to listen as he explains exactly what is happening in the city and what it means for the people of Forks. Even easier to let his eyes wander over the whole coven and find the Swan girl cuddled up to one of them. Edward, Sam remembers from before….before when his brother could think any name other than the one that haunts them all.

Sam doesn't stop the way his mind slips then, lets the pain of it all fill him for a moment. That name had been a refrain in their brothers mind before, a constant simmering rage burning through it. It hadn’t been as common as Bella but then, nothing had. Now both have left Jacob completely. He thinks of no name but one now.

“We’ll fight,” Sam states before the explanations are over and done with, pulling his gaze away from the human girl to focus back on the leech in front of him. That had been decided before they came. Things would have had to be hugely different from what they’d expected for them not too. He’s quick enough to catch the relief on the Doctors face and Sam smiles a little at it. It’s confirmation. This one cares for human life. The legends say he did and the fact of being a doctor supports it but Sam likes to see things for himself. He can accept it better then.

Shuffling draws his attention to the others and Sam feels Jared stiffen at his side as two of the rest step forward, the blond male and this Edward. Neither seem bothered by the sudden tight line of his or Jareds spine or they way they both take a sharp intake of toxic air. Fuckers.

“How many are in your pack?” The blond asks, stopping in line with the doctor. This is one of the ones that’s come along since the last pack. One of the ones that hadn’t been there when the treaty came to be. He’s not going by Cullen here, Hale like the blonde, but that’s as much as they have bothered to ask.

Jared snorts then, letting his body loosen with the movement. “Didn’t she tell you?” he asks, tilting his head towards Bella. “Ah,” he adds, flicking a smirk at Sam, “that’s a yes going by the blush.”

Sam follows his brothers gaze, looks at the girl again himself. She looks so much less than what he remembers seeing from Jacobs mind. He’d thought she was so smart. So kind and warm. Sam sees none of it as she tilts forward to where this Edward has moved, her body moving like a moth to a flame. Jacob hadn’t ever spoken about the vampires with her, kind enough to want to keep her from the pain it obviously caused the girl. She had to know though. The Chief had spent months complaining to Billy about the amount of time she was spending with her leech and the rest of the family. Worrying on what they were doing and the ways it seemed to be changing her. He’d said she seemed cold. Distant. Looking for this boy whenever he wasn’t there. He’d thought they were fucking. If only he knew.

Edward looks straight at Sam then and it’s something, but not enough yet to confirm what the legends tell them. “Your legends are accurate,” the leech states. Like he’s read the thought right out of his mind.

Sam is furious instantly. Even here, even when it is just him in his own mind he can’t be fucking alone. He lets it burn through him, the fucking injustice of it all, the horror at the fact that this is his life. He lets himself soak in it for just a moment and then pushes and pushes it down like he does with everything now. Fine. If that’s the way it is then that’s the way it is. He’s long since stopped trying to fight against his reality. It doesn’t do any good.

“What else?” He manages to grind out from between his teeth. The legends didn’t mention the others having any other gifts but they didn’t include the two new ones. Or the red head.

“Edward?” The doctor asks and the mind reader looks away from Sam finally and toward him.

“He wants to know about our gifts. Alice and Jasper specifically.” He turns then, back to look towards Sam but his focus is clearly on Jared rather than him. Whatever he’s hearing makes his brow furrow and something thick and hard twists in the pit of Sam's stomach at the movement of his dead skin. It looks so unnatural. There is something so wrong in standing, slow and weak and human while one of their enemy has eyes on his brother wolf.

_Eyes on me, Cullen. Keep both your gazes off him._

The doctor nods then and looks back over at them. Sam keeps his eyes locked on the unnatural gold of the mind reader. “Both are gifted. Alice can see possible futures and Jasper,” he continues, directing a hand to the figure between himself and the mind reader, “can sense and influence emotions.”

That’s worse, Sam instantly thinks. Worse than mind reading. It’s yet another thing exposed to the outside that should be just his alone. It’s also not something they had anticipated. They’ve all got practice at controlling the path of their thoughts, at directing the flow of their minds down the quietest path. None of them can control their emotions. They hadn’t even known to try.

“We should go,” he snaps, already looking away, moving his left leg a step back and preparing to turn around.

“Please,” the doctor starts and Sam stops in shock at the real sounding pain in his voice. He sounds human. It’s the first time any of them have ever sounded that way to him. There is even a shake to his voice. An unsteady-ness to it that none of the other vampires have ever had. “Stay. You needn’t tell us anything that makes you uncomfortable. We mean you no harm.”

“You mean us no harm? Are you fucking serious?” Jared snarls, all trace of his put on humour from a minute before gone. Where Sam had taken a step back, Jared’s taken a bigger one forward. “All you do is harm us!”

He isn’t wrong.

“Stop, Jared.” They don’t need to know any more. Don’t need to fucking feel anymore. “We should go,” Sam repeats, “but we’ll fight. That won’t change.”

The new one, Jasper, nods at that but makes no move toward them even as he speaks. “They’ll be strong. Stronger than you are used to with our kind. I can help you train to fight them. You should take the help I’m offering you.”

“Alright,” Sam agrees easily because, yes, yes, of fucking course they should but not now. “I’ll have someone meet you. We’ll call you.”

“We don’t have long,” this Alice adds then not moving forward but seeming to quiver in place. It would almost be funny if he could smell anything but dead rot. She’s tiny but not harmless, he reminds himself. “Days, not weeks.”

“Jared,” Sam calls as he stays put himself, keeps facing forward and toward the threat. He catches movement out of his peripherals and feels the air move as Jared stalks back towards the truck. Jasper smirks as he watches this, gives him a nod that looks almost like a complement before he steps back to be in line with his coven, leaving the mind reader out front alone. The truck door creaks as it opens and slams as it shuts. Instantly he can breath just that little bit easier. Not easy, never easy here with these things, but it’s not so suffocating now.

“You’re young,” the Doctor states and it is a statement, not a question.

Sam nods, unashamed. “But not,” adds because it’s true. No one thinks of him as anything but old now, not after being the first. “Old enough.”

He smiles again and Sam has to look away, look back towards those this doctor calls children at the humanity in it. The sympathy. “I’m sure that’s true,” he admits with that smile and Sam isn’t sure exactly which comment he is referring to. It doesn’t matter either way.

The itching under his skin and behind his eyes is growing every second he’s here, every second he isn’t wolf. It doesn’t feel right to be cut off anymore, like walking away from a building about to catch fire when you know your family are still inside, and the longer he’s gone the longer the fire has to catch and burn.

“Tonight,” the mind reader, Edward, states into the silence that has fallen between the two groups.

For a second Sam is confused, tonight is now and then he realises that no, no now is morning and yet another fucking day has just slipped through his fingers. He nods, agrees, thinks about the most open spot that tracks the treaty line as he turns and finally starts moving back towards the truck.

His wolf claws his insides, burns them with shame and anger, sheer fucking rage that he would turn his back on these leeches but Sam ignores it, keeps sure and true as he moves to the passenger side. Jared had taken the drivers seat. The last thing they need is for him to stall pulling out. His hand is on the door handle, pushing with just the right amount of force to open the door without breaking when he hears it. The shuffle of feet, human feet against wet grass, and a deep inhale.

“Did you hear anything about Jacob?” Bella asks in a whisper. She doesn’t think they can hear her or maybe she just doesn’t care.

He hears Jacob and instantly his mind echoes _Leah_. He hears Jacob and instantly he thinks pain and hurt and Leah. It’s so quick, such an instinctual connection to him that Sam can’t stop it. Doesn’t even have the chance.

“Get us the fuck home,” Sam snarls pulling his body into the truck. Away from here, away from them and away from this silly human girl. Home, pack, La Push.

They’re moving before the door shuts.


	4. The Way Things Are

He wakes up. It’s quiet. There’s only three of them with him. Paul - _jaws around his throat and wolfbrotherblood on his tongue -_ is here. Close. 

_Yeah, Jake. I’m here._

He can’t see him but he can feel him closer than the rest. Close enough that he could catch him. Good, that’s good.

Embry and Quil aren’t close. He can feel them both, Embry south and Quil closer to them. Running. Green coated in darkness, brown glowing in the moonlight. 

_You’re with us?_

Is he? He feels solid. More calm than he has in awhile. Yeah, he’s with them for however long it lasts. 

_That’s great, dude. Great. It’s not been long this time. Not longer._

That’s good. It’s usually been longer, or so they tell him and he trusts that. Trusts them. They don’t lie to him. Wouldn’t hide things from him. If they knew -

_Jacob._

Right.

Breathe.

Breathe. 

His mind rings with Embry’s sharp call of his name and he lets that take his attention, that and his steady heartbeat, his huffing breathing. God, he’s such a fucking mess. He’s making this so much harder - _burden not brother fucking waste -_ for them all and it already wasn’t easy. 

_You aint a burden. This is just how it is._

How it is. Yeah, Paul is right. This is how it is. This is all their life now. Green coated in darkness and brown glowing in the moonlight. Brothers in his mind and a tail between his legs. Blood pumping hot in his veins and in his mouth. A hole in the world. A hole inside him. Something missing, always missing. Someone - _Stop it, man._ _Jacob. Please don't not already, fuckin' hell quicker every time almost. So much harder to keep him without Sam_ -missing. Always missing. She’s not here. Why isn’t she here? Doesn’t she want him? She can’t want him, no one could when he’s let this happen, when he’s let her get lost, let her slip right through his fingers before he even knew to hold on. 

_Embry, pull in closer. Quil you wanna scope -_

_On it._

_Jake, listen to me okay? Just listen to me, just a minute._ Embry. _Yeah. You didn’t lose anything. You didn’t do anything wrong, not a fucking thing._ Where is she then? Leah. God, Leah. _She just isn’t here right now._ Embry doesn't lie but he's not telling the truth. It doesn't make sense, he can never make it make sense. Why isn't she here?

_Why do you try? It never works._

_It might. One time it might._

Leah. He just wants to feel her, to know she’s safe and he can’t. She’s not safe. Not here. Not safe and with him and here. 

_What if she’s actually dead?_ Dead. 

Dead.

Leah could be dead. 

Gone.

No nononononononono.

_Jesus fuck, Quil, did you really gotta?_

Would they tell him? Do they know? Is she dead? Is Leah dead? _No._ _No. She isn't dead, Jake._

She’s not here though. Where is she? Not here, not safe. Not with him. Where’s Leah? God he just needs to know. Knowing would be enough. Where is she?

He should look for her. _Here we go. Think they’ll be long?_ She doesn’t need to see him, doesn’t need to know him, doesn’t need to look at him. He just needs to see. To know.

Move. Get up, Jacob. Pull it together. Look for her. Start at her house. She’s gotta be there. She’s just gotta. 

Breathe. Run. 

Someone’s close. Getting closer. Run. Snarl. Stop, go away. Back off. Leah. Get out of my way. Leah. MOVE. Leahleahleah gotta find her, don’t care, move, nothing matters but her, leave. Let me or claws and teeth.

Blood on his tongue. Pain. Teeth in his right flank. Res earth. Pain. Blood.

  
  



	5. The Young

They don’t even get back to La Push before it happens. He’d been planning on jumping out and running when they reached the res, letting Jared have the truck and head out. Let him spend whatever’s left of the night with Kim, decompress after being so close to the Cullens and come back in the morning. More than with anyone else Jared comes back different, renewed. After a night where he just sleeps beside his imprint he comes back like he’s not missed any sleep in months, like he’s never felt hunger clawing at his insides. The imprint, when it’s right, when it works, is something amazing. They are still on the road, both silent, and two turns away from where Sam had planned to leave him when it happens.

Since Jacob, they’ve all commented on how they feel more when they are human now. There was always an awareness, the wolf version of a  _ spideysense  _ Quil had called it, an echo of the pack mind always lingering at the back of their skull. Before Sam knew who was phased and could point to the direction he’d start off in if he wanted to find them. That’s as much as he’d ever tried. Paul had known Jared was hurt once, the feeling hitting him when he was in the grocery store. 

Now Sam could tell you who was phased, how they were feeling, where he’d run to find them whether they were wolf or human and that Leah is still missing. She is a constant. That hole is with them all no matter how many legs they have. They dream about her even. Every last one of them.

He runs through them all on the ride home like he does when he wakes up or when he’s running patrol or just existing. It’s a compulsion almost. He could stop, at least he thinks he could, but he doesn’t want to. It’s soothing. Reassuring. 

Leah, missing. A black hole. Jared, next to him and steady. Paul, far to the north and tired but focused. Embry, north but not as far. Jacob, far to the north. Devastated, confused, hurt, hurt. Quil is patrolling, a shadow feeling just behind them running the treaty line. They’d been gone too long. Something - he knows what from experience - had happened. Sam is just about to open his mouth, tell Jared to pull over at the inlet just past the next bend so he can get back on four legs when he feels it. Jared, Paul, Leah, Embry, Quil and....

Someone else. Someone new. Ahead of them and panicked. So fucking panicked. 

“Stop!” The word is steady, a shout into the quiet, but his hands shake. His whole body shakes. 

The door is open before the car stops and it’s paws that hit the asphalt, his denim and leather of his shorts and boots fluttering to the ground behind him. 

The pack mind washes over him like a tidal wave.

_ Who’s that? New brother?( _ First Jake and then Quil and now) _ another? _

_ No, no fucking no, not another other. Is this gonna ever fucking stop? This should be enough - _

_ ….. _

_ It’s okay. Stay calm quiet don’t think about her focus on the ground the tree whowhowho the rain the trees _

_ -three was enough before. _

_ What’s happening? Is someone else phasing?  _ (His hands shaking and his body shaking and he can’t keep himself together and boom)  _ who? _

_ …. _

_ Gotta keep it together comeoncomeon Jake you can do it i can do it i can _

And under it all a panic that is by now all to fucking familiar. 

_ Quiet everyone,  _ Sam calls out as he runs towards where he can feel their new brother. He knows what to do.  _ Embry and Quil, run the line until I say to stop. Paul, take Jacob and run to the Makah res. Jacob, run with Paul. Stay with Paul.  _ It’s all orders and the power in it pushes them all to follow. It’s the only way he can focus on whoever this is, the only way he can turn their attention to something else and have it almost stick. They’re still there, still angry and curious and worried and hurt and everything else but it’s muted. 

He can focus. 

_ It’s okay. I’m going to help you understand. I’m coming to you.  _

Even as he is speaking he’s running, getting closer and closer to this new wolf. It’s hard to make himself think in sentences, to keep the visuals and the rambling to himself and away from the raw part of their shared mind. They aren’t moving now, hunkered down in a patch of dense undergrowth. When they are this new, this terrified and confused, the information doesn’t translate right to the pack mind. Whereas it would only be a thought to know exactly what Paul or Quil can see and hear right now, with the new one it’s all distorted. Fragmented. It makes sense, Sam’s thought so since Paul phased. With Jared he’d been too confused himself to understand what was happening. The world that they’ve always lived in explodes when they do. It takes time to realign reality.

_ It’s okay. I’m coming. I’m getting close. _

They need to know who they are dealing with. No one is being watched anymore. The Elders had been sure Jacob would be the last. Then they’d been sure Quil would be. They haven’t been surprised by any of those that have shifted apart from Embry. That, Sam doesn’t think about. The rest had been expected. Even Jared. The council hadn’t told him, said they hadn’t wanted to get his hopes up but they had been watching. Waiting. 

Sam isn’t the most gentle of them. All of them comment on how long he is, how big his presence feels within their minds. _Lumbering fucking oaf_ , Paul called him. Embry was nicer about it, saying he sounded like he was always sitting right next to you, like he was shouting in the room rather than the whisper the rest of them could make themselves. In the beginning they need quiet. It would be Jake, they all think so, but that isn’t an option.  _ Embry, look will you? Gentle, gentle easy remember.  _

_ I hate this. I hate this.  _ ( _ Just do it, Embry, not everything has to be a fucking debate!  _ A sting at the order and then falling into someone else and seeing)

_ Embry, lay off it for fuckingjesusshutthefuckinghellup. Just….do it. _

_ Okay, okay. Fuck. Okay. Gentle.  _

Sam feels it as Embry moves into that middle space, brings all his focus onto it and he looks, watches as he runs and listens. 

_ …… _

_ Don’t worry, alright? I’m just,  _ (Fear. Terror. A flash of twitching legs attached to brown paws laying on wet leaves)  _ You don’t need to be afraid, okay? It happened to me too, to all of us, we can help. It’s Embry, you heard Sam right? You know me? _

…....

_ Just, let me, this’ll help,  _ Embry offers again and Sam knows this is it, he’ll do it then. He pulls back from Embry and into himself, slows, not wanting to reach where he is heading before he knows who he’s going to find there.  _ Here goes.  _ A pause, one beat, two.  _ Fucking no! NO! _

_ Embry!  _ He snaps, loud and echoing out and through them all.  _ Who? _

_ It’s Seth. _

No.

_ No no no no no _

_ Not right. _

_ He’s 14? Right? 13? A fucking baby. _

_ Seth? _

Jesus. No. Not Seth. Embry can’t be right. He can’t be. They don’t phase that young. Sam refuses to believe it. Needs to see it for himself. He’ll be as gentle as he can.  He stops, focuses inward and runs through them. 

_Pack. Look. Jared. Paul. Embry. Quil. Jacob. Don’t look dont look, move on. There. Sorry, sorry I know i’m loud too much but i need to see_ ( A basketball in his hands, the sound of it slapping on the ground drowned out by laughter. His and lighter, easier, younger. His fingers in short hair after the ball gets stolen out from under him.) _No._ (He feels big, huge, like he could burst he’s so proud. _You’re like my brother, right?_ Yeah, yeah that’s right.) _No._ (He is huge now. He does burst. He’s dangerous. _Sam, stop!_ A face that used to look up to him looking down now, closed off and brow furrowed. _Don’t...don’t come back here, alright? I don’t want you to, not after what you done. I know you hang around but you need to stop._ A voice he’s never heard angry before.) Seth. _Seth?_

This can’t be happening. It can’t. Fate can’t be this fucking cruel. He’s moving again, the distance between them short enough that Sam knows he won’t be ready by the time he gets there but he can’t slow down. Can’t leave anyone  _ not Seth never Seth  _ alone any longer than he needs to.  It’s just like he knew it would be. A too big wolf curled in on itself, cowering from everything. Sam has seen it too many times now. One was too many, Jared. Two, they’d thought it would be the end. Three, four, five and now six, always the same. A too big wolf curled in on itself, cowering for everything that it can’t understand. 

One thing is different this time. They all look like they fit in their wolf skin. It’s almost a relief really after so long stretching and changing as a human and not understanding why. When they turn instantly they fit, human and wolf. For Seth, and it is Seth, Sam can see it, it isn’t like that. His limbs are too long, his paws too big. He’ll still need to grow into this body. He’s still gonna change, still got growing to do while the rest of them are done. 

Sam howls out his pain. Lets it fill him and the air around them. They all echo him, all of them crying out for their brother as he lies on the ground at their feet. Seth doesn’t move, doesn’t uncurl, doesn’t raise his voice along with theirs. 

They howl and howl into the black night sky, all of them bar one echoing out the sorrow they have for their brother.  _ Brotherbrother pack so sorry brother. _

_ It’s okay, brother. It’s all gonna be alright now.  _ Sam states, makes it sound like fact, as he pads forward slowly.  _ It’s me, Seth. It’s Sam. You don’t need to look, just listen alright? It’s really me, okay? I know it’s a lot,  _ he admits as he stops and lowers himself to the ground. He feels the cold earth on his hot belly and moves, slowly, calmly, until he’s laying with his head on his paws and his right flank is pressed tight against where Seth has curled himself.  _ Just breathe and listen. Can you do that, Seth?  _

_ S  _ (what’s happening where am i)  _ a _ (what)  _ m _

_ Yeah, Seth, that’s it. It’s me. That’s it. Just breathe, alright? I’m here. You’re doing great. Nothing’s wrong, this is new i know but it’s fine. Everything’s gonna be fine.  _

Even when he’s saying it, thinking it, he knows it’s a lie but he can’t not. It would be more cruel to give him the truth. 

_ brother welcome. We’ve got you.  _

_ Seth you’re gonna be just fine.  _

_ Hi Seth.  _

_ …. _

_ … _

_ Seth?  _ It’s Jake, quiet and calm.  _ Seth? _

_ … _

_ Sam, this isn- _

_ Seth? _

_ -’t gonna be - _

_ Seth brother now, look look, stay calm, stay calm, stay quiet (Embry, look will you? Gentle, gentle easy remember) just wanna know  _ (A hand in his, small, even smaller than his tiny fingers, walking towards the back yard. Three backs in front of them, all running away quicker than their legs can go.  _ We don’t need ‘em, Seth, right? Mum and Sue’ll save us some. _ )  _ Leah and Becks and Rach. Leah.  _ (Annoyance hot in him, at himself and not.  _ Can’t I come?  _ No.  _ Back off! Why’d you always gotta be hanging around?  _ A push.  _ GO!  _ A hand coming towards his face, fast and unexpected. He almost takes a step back and then stops, closing his eyes before -)

_ JACOB! Stop.  _ Sam laces all the power he has behind it, all the power of the Alpha, and even then he knows it won’t be enough.

…. _ Leaaaaah? _

_ Yesyes, Leah. Seth, seth, look. He’ll know where she is. He will. Look. _

_ No, stop it, Jake, give him time. Slow. Needs to be slow,  _ Sam explains, tries to be calm and cool but Jacob has always been quicker than the rest, quicker than them all.

_ Look, _ Jacob demands and like before they are dragged, all of them taken over by Jacob and where he wants them to go. 

Sam goes just like the rest and suddenly all he feels is warm hands that hold onto his, tight but never too tight, soft and warm and smooth over his already rough skin. Letting him lead, pick the way for them both. A sigh - _ No! _

He breaks out, gets control in time enough to see as Seth is taken just like he knew he would be. 

(Love. Warm and soft. Love. Protection. Kindness, for him and a bladesmile for everyone else. Love. Family. His person. Gone. Always loved.)  _ leah where? Need safe _

_ yes where? where wherewhere, easy, (Embry, look will you? Gentle, gentle easy remember) (gentle easy)  _

Seth doesn’t know. They can all see that. 

_ Nononononono i need this i do i can’t do this anymore i canti WON’T! _

_ Leah….pleeeeaaase need her. Pain everywhere it hurts god it hurts why’s it hurting and why’s his hands not hands god he’s got paws oh god no no no he’s dyyyyying _ .  _ Leah? _

_ You’re not dying, Seth, it’s okay.  _ Jesus, Sam can’t do this. 

_ Pull it together, man, you don’t got a choice. _

* * *

__ When they had left her here, Leah had thought it would be a little like freedom. A new place, new people and new chances. She could be anyone except for who she actually was and that, that was alright. It could be good. There wasn’t really many options, so it would be as good as she could make it. She’d be Leah McCarthy. She’d be twenty-two and single, two brothers back home with her mom. Dead dad, hence the delay. Outdoorsy and independent. Quiet but not shy, not a mystery. Not interesting. 

They - her dad but mainly the Doctor - set her up with an apartment in Fox Hollow. Everything had been moving too fast for her to fully question the hows of her new situation but, even as fractured and confused as she was then, Leah knew that her parents didn’t have the money for this. Not just sitting around waiting for a supernatural emergency. Part of the city but not, her dad had said with a smile. Close to the community college, he’d added on when she still hadn’t wanted to let go of his hand and get out of the car. No one was coming in with her. 

Lots of places to run, the Doctor explained, quiet places where no one would see her. Smell her. Catch her. 

They’d thought she’d go to college. All of them. The Doctor paid her tuition Leah knows. She got a welcome pack through her door a few days after she arrived, back when she was still checking the mail. She had wanted to. College had always been something that she wanted, first on her own, then with Sam. Lane Community College hadn’t been her go to, she’d never even heard of it, but it had felt like a lifeline when her feet had finally landed on the curb in Eugene. Something from her old life, a hope, that this new Leah could have. It was a lie she could tell herself, too. She’d go to college. She’d make something of herself. She’d go home in a few years, tell everyone all about her college adventures, laugh and joke about wild nights out that hadn’t ever happened and everything would be the same but better.

She never made it to a single class.

She doesn’t  _ do  _ anything. 

She’s Leah McCarthy but no one knows that. Not one person knows her name or has heard her voice in weeks, months. Forever it feels like. She doesn’t have to lie about her age or her two brothers at home. She isn’t outdoorsy. She doesn’t go outside at all if she can help it. Twice a week she can’t avoid it, once for the grocery store and once to turn into a wolf. Once for each, never anymore and never any less. The rest of the time Leah drifts. She’s not really there. Leah McCarthy, Leah Clearwater, it doesn’t matter. Neither of them are there. She sleeps for hours and hours. Wakes up and eats, cries, stares at the wall and then sleeps again. Her brain drifts almost completely out of her control. There isn’t anything she can think to do to help herself. She can’t go home and really, would that even help? It isn’t her mom and dad and Seth she’s missing. There is something else. Her insides feel missing. 

So she stays. She takes the most basic care of herself because the wolf that is part her won’t let her not. She eats, sleeps, cries, stares. She goes to Walmart for food late enough at night that it’s quiet and keeps her eyes on her shoes whenever anyone looks her way. She goes to the woods and lets the wolf out, runs for hours and hours into places she’d never manage to reach as a human. She scales mountains, bounds through rivers, runs and runs like her very life depends on it and the whole time, each and every second, she wants to go home. It’s a constant refrain in her mind. Home. It’s all she wants and it’s the one thing she can’t have. When she’s human Leah can drown it out easy. She’s a danger and she won’t put that on her family, on her tribe. She won’t.

The Doctor had made it clear the second time she met him. The first she doesn’t like to think about. The second time had been calmer, she’d been more present, more aware, at least to begin with. They’d spend ten minutes maybe less talking before they got in the car, her, the Doc and her dad. The longer they’d been in that car together the less clear Leah’d felt. He’d known too, the Doctor, shooting her sympathetic looks through the rearview mirror as he drove. It’s those ten minutes standing with her hand held in her dad’s outside the hospital in Forks, the three of them all slowly soaking through with the drizzle that really matter anyway. 

She was the first of her kind, that she knew. The first female shifter. Not a werewolf but a shapeshifter. Other vampires, certain other vampires, would take a great interest in her. In what they could do to her. What they could do with her. Leah hadn’t understood at first. Her mind went to kill, torture and stuck there. Her dad stayed silent the whole time and Leah didn’t want to look away from the vampire in front of her long enough to study his expression. 

_ Breeding,  _ the Doc  had finally said. Just the one word but it said it all really. 

So she had to stay hidden, stay a secret that only the three of them knew. If no one knew, no one would look. If no one looked, no one would go to La Push. No one would find the rest of the wolves that lived in the woods of La Push. 

  
  



End file.
